Talk:Health consequences of obesity

Lowri Phillips 21:00, 5 October 2009 (UTC) Amelia Sheldon 17:08, 8 October 2009 (UTC) Katherine Laura Greenall 15:08, 13 October 2009 (UTC) Rachael White 13:51, 12 October 2009 (UTC)

Very good start, you've got a nice selection of reviews here.Gareth Leng 09:38, 13 October 2009 (UTC)

I agree! Just a minor point: Check the format of your references, Journal titles should be in italic and not within " " for instance.

Nicholas, I thought you wanted to work on diabetes? If so you should join the Diabesity article, if you have changed your mind let me know. Celine Caquineau 10:48, 13 October 2009 (UTC)

Any news from Hannah? Celine Caquineau 09:57, 14 October 2009 (UTC)

Lowri asked me "Should I be aiming to discuss specific experiments and how they have contributed to what we know?" I answeresd "For an encyclopedia article, it's important that the "facts" that you decide to give should be solidly established, - if you find them in prominent review articles, it's a good indication that these are "established" facts - and you can use one or more reviews as references. In an encyclopedia article you would probably only describe an individual study if it was exceptionally important. An encyclopedia article is a display of breadth of knowledge more than depth. For the exam you'll need to show breadth and depth.Gareth Leng 16:50, 18 October 2009 (UTC)

I advise you to upload your work regularly, the structure of your article could be there for instance. And remember to be consistent with the format of your references in the bibliography page. Hannah I need to know if you are still here! Celine Caquineau 14:45, 21 October 2009 (UTC)

Feedback on your article so far

Overall, the points that you have chosen to develop so far are pertinent. Now, your priority is to have an introduction and a detailed plan. For the moment there is no clear sense of direction or main focus. Although well written, your sections are a bit all over the place. For example, you might want to group the physiological consequences of obesity (endocrine changes and cardiovascular diseases) before and appart from the psychosocial consequences. The Endocrine Changes section itself needs to be tidied up with headings and subheadings. Also, diagrams to illustrate the article are highly recommended.

The sections are well written, with a good selection of references, well done. However, for example in the Cardiovascular Diseases paragraph, be careful not to be too technical and avoid, or at least properly define, abbreviations. Remember that Citizendium articles are meant to be read by a general public, there are not academic essays.

Your article seems to badly miss team work. I might be wrong, and please correct me if you did meet and discuss regularly, but your Talk page is nearly empty, I don’t have any sense of interaction or feedback between the 4 of you. Team work was one of the main objectives of this tutorial, as important as the content of the article itself. Also, you need to have a look at what the other groups have done, and in particular for you the group working on Diabesity. You need to have a link to their article in your introduction as diabetes is the main health consequences of obesity.

Katie, we really need to see your contribution now. You told me by email that you had something done, you should download it now, even if it’s not properly phrased. Nancy Sabatier 12:19, 28 October 2009 (UTC)

Yeh good work guys! A lot of good information. I found reading it though that it was a bit messy, but I'm guessing it's not your final draft. Check for typo's, especially in the first section, and maybe underline/bold the headings so they stand out a bit more. Also the way that the references have been made all differ, maybe decide on one way (e.g. numbers or names) and all change to the same one. Rachael Kirkbride 13:10, 28 October 2009 (UTC)

I can only repeat the previous comments. There are loads of good work but it needs an introduction to explain what your article will cover and guide the reader through. Make the structure of your article is more obvious to facilitate the reading, use bold titles for instance. The references need to be reorganised, i've made an example in'Psychosocial Consequences of Obesity', have a look how i've done it. Keep an eye on the Diabesity group, use their talkpage for suggestions and questions, and use yours too!! Like Nancy said, this task is a group task, you need to interact more, give each other helpful inputs!! Im sure that you'll produce a great 'final' article, but all of you need to contribute now, 'cause you still have a fair amount to do!! Celine Caquineau 11:45, 29 October 2009 (UTC)