Talk:Thylakoid/Draft

Start article on Thylakoids

Begin as stub. Anthony.Sebastian 22:50, 4 January 2010 (UTC)

Short and sweet

Your prose has a poetic quality Anthony. The first sentence though is too long, I think it would help to split it. But the article says enough and says it nicely. Am happy to nominate for approval when you're ready.Gareth Leng 17:50, 11 November 2010 (UTC)

Gareth, thank you for the "short and sweet' and 'poetic' compliments. Regarding sentence length, I have always judged a sentence too long if I could not follow its message, the path it tried to pave for the reader.

If a sentence proceeds in a coherent way, cumulating information with successive free modifiers, each modifying an obvious predecessor, each a separate proposition building on or amplifying its predecessor, each proposition a layer of an onion, the onion as a whole the sentence, the successive layers together the sentence, as many layers as necessary to serve the writer's intended purpose, that of combining information by coordinating it, by subordinating it, or by subsuming it in modification—then the length of the sentence specifies only a minor characteristic of it. The way the sentence directs the readers attention, the way it unfolds information, renders the sentence at least as important as that of the information it contains.

Thus: "Inside plant cells and other Eukaryotic cells that carry out photosynthesis, tiny, bacteria-sized organelles, called chloroplasts, contain, within the inner membrane of their dual membrane structure, the early photosynthesizing apparatus, an extensive system of membrane-bound disk-shaped sacs called thylakoids, the interior spaces (lumens) of the sacs possibly all interconnected, the membranes of the sacs housing the pigment molecules that absorb the energy of photons of particular frequencies emitted by the sun, thereby initiating the physico-chemical sequence of steps in the photosynthesizing process."

Still not perfect, but 'too long'? ;) I will work on it more, though, as you felt it would help to break it up. Anthony.Sebastian 03:07, 12 November 2010 (UTC)

I think so, because you have to keep track of what the refferant is - so "within the inner membrane of their dual membrane structure, the early photosynthesizing apparatus," - does apparatus here refer to the inner membrane, or something within the inner membrane, - i.e. you have to know what the sentence is saying before you can follow it. It's something that needs a second reading to decode.Gareth Leng 11:11, 12 November 2010 (UTC)

Precisely the kind of feedback I'd hope to receive. Sincerely much obliged. My goal: perfect in your judgment. Anthony.Sebastian 20:32, 12 November 2010 (UTC)